Author: Pan Lijin 潘俐瑾
My childhood took place in a time when material conditions were not abundant. We lived in government housing. I was the eldest daughter, and my younger sister was born the following year. One after another, elders moved in, filling the home. Over ten years, the originally spacious living area became so crowded that it felt hard to breathe. Fortunately, there was a tennis court within the community, which became a shared activity space for both adults and children.
Because of his work, my father did not spend much time at home, so his interaction with us children was limited. My mother, on the other hand, ran a tailoring shop in the city. She was a fashion designer who measured, designed, and sewed clothes for customers, and she even took in apprentices. As she was constantly busy both inside and outside the shop, I, as the eldest daughter, naturally took on the responsibility of helping with household chores. I remember that rice and daily necessities were purchased on credit, recorded in a ledger. Cash flow at home was rarely seen, and pocket money was hardly ever given. As a child, I would go around collecting scrap metal to exchange for small amounts of money. My second sibling and I attended a public kindergarten.
I entered primary school in 1963, and in 1968, I became part of the first cohort under the nine-year compulsory education system. The school was new, and we often helped clean and organize the campus. Knowing that we would need to start working as soon as possible in the future, I chose a vocational school and gave little thought to general senior high school. During my school years, I walked to school every day, so my friendships with classmates were not particularly close. Our family moved dormitories frequently. Although the moves were still within the same community, interpersonal relationships with neighbors were affected, making it difficult to form deep emotional bonds. Frequent changes left me feeling lost and unsure of how to maintain connections with others.
After graduating from vocational school, I worked as an accountant in the family business. Later, through introductions by relatives and friends, I moved north to Banqiao for work and also worked at department store counters in Taipei.
At the age of twenty-one, after moving to the city, I met my husband. He was humorous, talkative, and flexible in his manner. Although he had been married before and had a child from that marriage, there was also another suitor, quiet and reserved, whose family lived in Taiwan. I hesitated greatly. I consulted my parents, who told me to think carefully. At twenty-one, my thinking was truly limited. I do not say I regret it, but I chose to bear all the consequences myself.
In the second year after marriage, I gave birth to my first child. There was a six-year age gap between my child and my husband’s child, and the atmosphere at home changed noticeably. It was then that I fully realized something: my husband had never held my child. He explained, “I’m worried the child from my ex-wife might get hurt.” I was left speechless. From that moment on, my child and I could only cling tightly to each other.
In 1970, when the eldest child was about three or four years old, due to financial disputes within my husband’s family, we fled as a family to his aunt’s home in Tainan. After more than a year, we moved back to Taipei. In November 1982, I gave birth to my second child, a daughter. After her birth, I became a full-time homemaker from 1977 to 1989; a span of twelve years.
During that period, I cared for my single sister-in-law’s child, my single brother-in-law’s child, my husband’s child from his previous marriage, and my own children; a total of five children living in a limited space. My role often became confused, and I lived in a state of extreme mental tension. I could only treat myself as a superhero. When facing the children, I devoted myself entirely to caregiving, with no room for distraction. I was an aunt, a maternal aunt, a sister-in-law, and also a mother. When dealing with my brother-in-law, sister-in-law, and husband, I tried my best to perform each role to perfection. I dare not say I was flawless, but I truly did my utmost. The children saw it clearly.
Living temporarily in a cramped apartment was for the sake of buying a home larger than 50 ping in the future. Dreams are beautiful. Enduring hardship felt acceptable because a better future seemed within reach.
In 1996, our whole family moved to Linkou and purchased a 56-ping (approximately 16.6 square metres) home. Each child had their own room. Life suddenly felt joyful, as if having a house solved everything. My parents were relieved, and my husband’s son got married after we bought the house. The family appeared harmonious.
But good times did not last. For a period, my husband repeatedly invested in mainland China, which led to financial difficulties in 2005. We could no longer afford the mortgage payments. He frequently suggested selling the house. My salary was used for household expenses, leaving no savings. He was anxious, and I felt powerless. Eventually, during an autumn when I was away, my husband sold the house at a price far below market value to settle debts.
Our finances were kept separate out of mutual respect, and we had agreed to share responsibilities together. Yet the heavy atmosphere at home persisted. Nearly twenty years have passed, and the laughter of earlier days has not returned. My husband retired in 2016. I never asked how much his retirement pay was. In recent years, our married life has lacked shared topics or interests, evolving into something like living as roommates. The rent and household expenses are paid by me. I clearly understand my responsibilities.
After moving to Linkou, I shifted to working as an accountant in a small factory, and I have done so for nearly thirty years. My job stability is high. The factory once tried to train replacements because I planned to retire, but none lasted more than two years. With staff hard to find and my seniority, I was asked to stay even after applying for retirement.
My husband asked me, “Why haven’t you retired yet?”
I replied, “If I have a job and a salary, why should I retire?”
After my children grew up, married, and left home, the house was left with just my husband and me, along with my husband’s son’s family. A few years ago, they moved to public housing and rarely returned. Recently, I heard that my husband’s son developed glaucoma. My husband still seems to hope that his son’s family will move back in with us. At times like this, I feel like an outsider, as if they are the real family. When such thoughts arise, my heart truly aches.
When I cared for my father-in-law, I was young and knew my role as a daughter-in-law. After marriage, I continued to care for my husband’s family. When my own children interacted with their half-brother, I was always extremely cautious. After they moved out a few years ago, I can hardly imagine how I endured all those years. My husband seems to place them first, while my own struggles feel unseen. He seems unable to understand my difficulties, and I also find it hard to express the complexity of my role.
Fortunately, I have a stable income and am grateful not to be financially dependent on others. The younger generation does not need to give filial allowance. But one day, I will eventually leave the workforce. My salary has been used for household expenses, and my savings are very limited. If I rely solely on retirement funds in the future, life may not be easy. All I can hope for now is to take good care of myself and not become a burden to the younger generation. That is my sincere wish. I do not ask for anything else. Looking at the younger generation, and then at myself, each person has their own role and responsibility. I do not hold the belief of raising children for old-age security. What I can do is limited, but I always do my best and live with a clear conscience!
童年生活在物質條件不是很富裕的年代，住在公家宿舍，我是長女，妹妹隔
年也相繼來報到 ，隔隔年年老、老老、老老、老老都出現在在家 偌大的生活
空間，經過十年之後，被擠得讓人不容易呼吸，還好社區內有網球場地 ，是是大
人和小孩們的活動空間
爸爸因工作關係，在家停留的時間不長，所以和小孩們的互動非常有限，而
媽媽在市區內開了一間裁縫店，媽媽是服裝設計師，幫人量身設計衣服老做衣服，
並收了徒弟，因為媽媽忙裡又忙外，我是長女，理當擔起分擔家務的工作 ， 印象
買米老買日常用品出是用記帳的方式，家 在金流不常見 ，不不說 零用金花
用，所以我小時候會到處撿拾破銅爛鐵換在金 我和老二有上公家辦的幼稚園，
民國52年念小學 ，我是民國57年，九年義務教育第一屆的學生，學校是新的，
我們在學校內經常在整理環境 國 、年，知道日後說趕快就業，所以選擇職業
學校，對普通高 沒有想法，求學階段出是走路上學，所以和同學之間的情誼 ，
也不是很深厚 宿舍也搬來搬去，雖然出還是在社區內，但和鄰居的人際互動關
係 ， 還是受了一些影響，情感也無法深厚，讓自己覺得與人的連結 老 經營上，不
是是麼重說，經常的變化，讓人不知所措 高職業業後，在家的的計程行擔擔
會計一職，後來經親友介紹，北漂到板橋工作，也到台北百貨公司站櫃
台北的出市生活 ，我21歲，認識了在在的老公，風趣話又多，身段也很柔
軟，縱使他有過一段婚姻，還帶了一個小孩，另一個男友家住台 ，安靜木訥，
很猶豫，有問過家人，爸爸媽媽說我想清楚，21歲的年紀想的真的有限 ，不是後
悔，只是自己說承擔所有的結果 婚後第二年便生下第一胎，和先生的小孩相差
6 歲，家 的氣氛頓時明顯不同，這時候我徹底覺悟了，先生從未抱過我的小孩，
還解釋 :「擔心前妻生的小孩受傷！」我無言，我和我的小孩這時候只能緊緊
相依 民國69年，老大這時候3 老 4歲 ， 因先生家 財物糾紛，舉家逃至台南先
生的姑姑家，事隔一年多後 ， 又搬回台北，民國71年11月生下第二胎，女兒現
生後，我當全職的家庭主婦自66-78年，這12年期間，我經歷照顧單親的小姑
的小孩 ， 單親的大伯的小孩 ， 及先生前妻的小孩，和自己的小孩，一共5個小孩，
生活在有限的空間，自己的角色，經常會混亂，精神處在極度緊繃的狀態，我只
能將自己當成是超人，面對小孩們除了用照護的心之外，沒有其他二心，又是舅
媽 老 是嬸嬸 老 又是阿姨老也是媽媽，又說面對大伯老小姑及先生，角色扮演說做
到滿分，我不敢 ，但我很盡心盡力，是孩子們有目共睹，暫時住在狹窄的公寓
裡，是為了以後買50坪以上的房子，有夢最美，可以接受苦的日子，未來的美
好指日可待
民國85年舉家遷到林口，購得56坪的房子，、個小孩有各自的房間，隔個
人隔天過的是開心及有房萬事足的感覺，娘家的爸媽也很欣慰，先生的兒子也在
我們買房後娶妻，一家人和樂融融 但好景不常，有一段時間 ， 先生幾番現入內
地，導致在民國94年先生的資金有了困難，房貸繳不現來 ， 先生經常提現賣房，
我平常的薪資出用在家用，沒有多餘的存款，先生著急，我不無力，最後在我回
的下過 秋時，先生將房子輕易地用低於市價的價格賣現，為了繳房款 我們的
錢是分開的，因為互相尊重，也說一起承擔，在在的畫面，家裡的低氣壓氛圍，
也快20年了，不見往日的笑聲，先生在民國105年從職場退休，退休金有多少?
我也沒有過問，這幾年我們夫妻的生活，彼此沒有共同的話題老共同的興趣來 ，
演變成如同室有一般，只是家裡的房租是我支現，家用開銷也是我，我說分擔的
責 我很清楚
工作生活自搬到林口後，也就轉戰小型工廠當會計，也快30年了，自己的
工作穩定度很高，之前工廠有請人來接我的工作，因為我準備說勞退了，不料新
人出做不久，最久的不到2年，員工不好找 ，我又很資深，所以老在在我辦勞退
後繼續留我 我先生問:「為甚麼我還不退?」我回他:「有工作做老有薪水領，
為甚麼說退?」我的孩子們長大成家後，也出陸續離開家了，家裡只剩我和我先
生，及我先生的兒子一家人、口，前幾年他們一家、口搬去社宅之後，很少回來，
最近聽 我先生的兒子青光眼疾，我先生好像仍在期待他們一家、口搬回來和我
們一起住，這時候我會覺得我自己好像是外人，他們才是一家人，這麼想時，心
真的很難過 之前照顧公公的時候，是時候年輕知道自己是媳婦，婚後也一直出
在照顧先生一家人，當自己生的小孩看著他們同父異母的哥哥時 ，也出盡量小心
翼翼與他相處 前幾年他們才搬現去，我出無法想像我這些年是怎麼熬過來的，
我先生似乎將他們擺在第一位，我的難處?我先生好像無法理解，我似乎也不能
表達我的角色難為，還好我有一份固定的收入，慶幸自己不是依賴人口，晚輩們
不用給孝親費，但我總有一天還是會離開職場，我的薪水出用在家庭支現，存款
非常有限，日後若靠勞退過日子，會不苦，所以在在只能希望把自己照顧好，不
說造成晚輩們的困擾，這是我在在的希望，其他的，我不奢求
看看晚輩們，再看看自己，隔個人出有自己的角色責 ，沒有養兒防老的念
想，我能做的有限，但總是盡力，不愧於心！