Author: Wang Tingyun 王亭云
“Come quickly and finish this cup of water, then we’ll set off!”
This familiar routine and voice were part of my childhood weekends at my grandma’s house. My brother and I would stay over for one night, and the next morning Grandma would take us, together with her most beloved little dog, to the park to hike up the hill. Before heading out, however, for the sake of our health, she would always insist that we finish a full cup of water before leaving. This was the way she showed her love for us.
My grandma is a cautious and serious person. When she was young, in order to buy a house, there was a period when she worked four different jobs at the same time, all related to cleaning, either public cleaning or household cleaning. Because her family of origin never gave her the opportunity to go to school, she is illiterate. Her personality is stubborn and suspicious, which makes it difficult for others to get close to her. Yet in front of my brother and me, she always showed her affection in her own way. For example, although Grandma is vegetarian, whenever we went to visit her, she would wake up early in the morning to go to the market to buy lots of snacks and fried food, because she knew we liked them. My brother and I would happily enjoy the food. However, whenever we wanted to do something for her in return, she would strongly resist. She did not know how to express her wish not to trouble us, so she often used anger or sadness to convey her feelings. At that time, I did not yet understand that she was using the wrong way to express herself. I would feel at a loss, quietly accept her rejection, and then no longer dare to say anything.
My grandpa was already very old. He had injured his ears in the past and suffered from hearing loss, so Grandma often had to speak to him in a very loud voice, sometimes with a hint of impatience. When I was young, I thought they were arguing and felt very frightened. Fortunately, my mother would explain things to me and ease my anxiety. She said that Grandma was taking care of Grandpa all by herself, and that we needed to understand that her patience was limited. These were things I could already understand when I was in primary school.
In the autumn of 2018, Grandpa passed away, and soon after, the family’s little dog also left this world. In an instant, Grandma was left alone in the now empty house. Her depressive tendencies gradually worsened. When she called, her words were full of lies, like a child trying to explain how wronged she felt, attempting to gain our sympathy and pity. I only saw my mother calmly comforting Grandma, repeatedly asking whether she was taking her medication on time. Every weekend, my family and I continued to visit Grandma. What was different was that her expression was no longer natural. Her brows were tightly furrowed, the corners of her mouth turned downward. She no longer felt happy about our visits, and instead worried endlessly about her illness and about things that did not even exist.
During the period when Grandma was experiencing depression, I had to be extremely careful when showing concern for her, and I also had to constantly distance my own emotions so as not to be affected by her depression. However, her condition continued to worsen. In mid-September this year, Grandma developed a rare skin condition: bullous pemphigoid, caused by an abnormal autoimmune response, and she was hospitalized for a period of time. During this process, her antidepressant medication had to be stopped, which led her to experience repeated episodes of low mood and thoughts of not wanting to continue living. Now that she has been discharged from the hospital, her skin condition has gradually improved, but her depression persists. I am almost forgetting the energetic person she once was. Last weekend, she said to me, “I can’t lift that water bottle. Hurry and help me pour some water, I feel like I’m dying of thirst.” Without saying a word, I walked over to the water bottle, filled it, and handed it to her. My heart was filled with sighs and sadness, but I knew that I had to stay by her side and let her know that I still love her.
“Grandma, would you like some water? I’ll pour it for you.”
Grandma, please remember that we all still love you.
「快過來喝完這杯水，我們就出發了！」熟悉的流程和聲音，是我小時候的週末
到外婆家的習慣，我和哥哥會在外婆家住一個晚上，隔天的早晨外婆會帶我們和她最
疼愛的小狗，一起去公園爬山，然而在出門前，為了我們的健康，總是會要求我們喝
完一杯水再出門，這是他愛我們的方式。
我的外婆是個做事謹慎認真的人，年輕的他為了買房子，有段期間同時做了四種
工作，工作內容都是打掃或家庭打掃的工作。因為原生家庭並沒有給他讀書的機會，
導致他不識字，他的個性固執多疑，使我們難以接近他，但在我跟哥哥面前總會用他
的方式來疼愛我們，像是雖然外婆吃素，但在我們來拜訪她時，會一大早到市場買許
多小吃和炸物，因為他知道我們喜歡吃，我和哥哥就會開心的享用，但當我們想為他
做些什麼時，他非常排斥，他不知道怎麼表達不想麻煩我們的心情，所以常用生氣或
難過來當作自己的感受，那時的我還不知道他是用錯了方式表達，我會不知所措地默
默接受他的拒絕，然後不敢再多說什麼。
我的外公年紀很大，耳朵曾經受傷過所以有重聽，外婆常常用很大的聲音跟他溝
通，有時也帶點不耐煩的語氣，我小時候會以為他們在吵架，而感到很害怕，還好媽
媽會解釋給我聽，減緩我的緊張情緒，媽媽說，外婆一個人照顧外公，我們要體諒她
的耐心有限，這些在我國小時就可以理解的。
2018年的秋天，外公走了，家裡的小狗也跟著外公離開人世，一瞬間外婆獨自一
人留在空蕩蕩的房子裡。外婆的憂鬱傾向逐漸嚴重，那通電話打來，滿口謊言，就像
個孩子一樣想說明自己多委屈，試圖換取我們的同情和憐憫，我只見媽媽淡定的安撫
外婆，也再三詢問外婆是否按時吃藥，每周的六日我們同樣會去陪伴外婆，不一樣的
是外婆的表情已經不再自然，眉頭深鎖、嘴角下垂，再也不為我們的到來而感到開
心，只煩惱著自己的病情、煩惱著不存在的任何事情。
外婆經歷憂鬱的期間，我關心他時總需要小心翼翼的，也必須不斷的抽離感情，
不被他的憂鬱影響，但外婆的憂鬱症每況愈下，今年的九月中，外婆因為自體免疫系
統異常，產生一種罕見的皮膚炎—類天皰瘡，住院一段時間，過程中外婆的憂鬱藥物
需要停止服用，使外婆多次出現低落和不想繼續生活的念頭，而現在出院後，皮膚漸
漸好轉，但憂鬱症仍持續著，我就快忘記過去那充滿活力的他，上個周末的他和我說
「我拿不動那個水壺，你快去幫我倒水，我好像快渴死了。」我不發一語的走向水壺
邊，裝水，遞給外婆，但我心裡滿是嘆息和感傷，但我知道我必須陪伴他，讓他知道
我還是愛著他。
「外婆，你要喝水嗎?我去幫你倒。」外婆，請你要記得我們都還愛著你。