Author: Pan Tingyu 潘廷宇
When I was young, because my parents were busy with work, I was mostly raised by my maternal grandmother. At first, when I learned that I had to stay at my grandmother’s house, I strongly resisted. For a child at that age, being in a place without my parents or my older brother felt frightening. I still remember crying and begging my mother to take me to work with her. In addition, my grandmother was Hakka, and her Mandarin was not fluent, which made me feel even more unfamiliar and anxious. However, as time passed, I discovered that even when we could not fully understand each other through language, I could still feel my grandmother’s deep love. She never got angry with me and always treated me gently. She patiently played with me, took me out for walks and grocery shopping, and accompanied me during my afternoon naps. What I loved most was that every afternoon she would make all kinds of delicious snacks for me. In the summer, there would be chilled mung bean soup, grass jelly, and aiyu jelly; in the winter, there would be warm soups to drink. I also loved walking with her along the riverbank near her house. That path was filled with flowers and plants, and my favourite thing was picking beggar’s-ticks and sticking them onto my clothes to play. My grandmother would always smile gently as she watched me fool around.
However, my happy life with my grandmother did not last long. I will never forget that afternoon—it was sunny but not too hot. After lunch, it was time for a nap. As usual, my grandmother coaxed me to sleep. I lay beside her, falling asleep to her gentle voice and light pats. When I woke up, everything seemed unchanged. The small room, the old fan blowing, the scattered toys. The only difference was that my grandmother did not wake up with me. The naïve child I was thought that she was simply tired and wanted to sleep a little longer. It was not until evening, when my mother came to pick me up and asked where my grandmother was, that something felt wrong. When I said she was still sleeping, my mother sensed something was amiss and rushed anxiously into the room, only to discover that my grandmother had passed away peacefully in her sleep.
As a child, I did not understand what separation by life and death meant. I did not know why my mother had run so urgently into the room that day. I did not understand why I no longer needed to go to my grandmother’s house, why everyone was crying, or why people were shouting, “The fire is coming, Grandma, run!” No one told me what had actually happened. It was only when I started primary school that I came to understand the meaning of death, that I would never see my grandmother again. After realizing this, I cried for a long time, crying through many nights. I missed my grandmother terribly, and I deeply regretted that I had not properly said goodbye to her at the farewell ceremony. At that time, I merely followed the adults’ instructions to bow my head, completely unaware of what I should do. I said nothing at all. Now, more than ten years have passed, and my grandmother has never once appeared in my dreams. I hope that she is living well on the other side and simply has no time to visit me or perhaps she is upset that I did not speak to her one last time. I truly hope it is not the latter. If I had the chance, I would really want to say goodbye to her properly, tell her that I love her, and apologize for my childish ignorance. If time could turn back, I would definitely cherish every moment I spent with her.
Photo: AI-generated
Because there are no photos of my grandmother and me together, I entered a prompt into ChatGPT to generate an image of my grandmother’s final moments accompanying me.
小的時候因為爸媽工作繁忙，所以都是外婆帶大的，一開始知道要去外婆家的
我很牴觸，對於小時候的我來說要自己在沒有爸媽或哥哥的地方是很可怕的，
還記得剛開始我都會哭著求我媽媽帶我去上班，加上因為外婆是客家人所以中
文並不流暢讓我覺得更陌生緊張，不過隨著時間久了，我發現就算有時候語言
不通我還是能感受到外婆濃濃的愛，外婆從來不會對我生氣總是溫柔的對待
我，會耐心地陪我玩玩具、帶我去散步買菜、陪我睡午覺，其中我最喜歡下午
的時候外婆總會做各種好吃的點心給我吃，夏天會有冰涼的綠豆湯、仙草、愛
玉等，冬天也會有溫暖的熱湯可以喝，也很喜歡跟外婆到外婆家旁邊的河堤散
步，那一條道路長滿了花花草草，我最喜歡的就是摘下鬼針草黏在衣服上玩，
外婆也都是笑的溫柔的看著我鬧。
不過我與外婆幸福的生活並沒有維持多久，我永遠記得那是個有陽光但不至於
太熱的下午，吃完飯後到了午覺時間外婆像往常一樣哄著我入睡，我躺在外婆
旁在外婆溫柔地嗓音跟輕拍下入睡，當我醒來時看起來似乎什麼都沒變，還是
ㄧ樣在小小的房間、吹著老舊的風扇、玩著散落的玩具，唯一變的是外婆沒有
跟我一起起床，小時候天真的我以為外婆只是累了想多睡一下而已，直到傍晚
媽媽來接我回家時問我外婆在哪，我說了還在睡覺時媽媽察覺不對勁，緊張地
衝向房間，才發現外婆在睡夢中離我而去了。
小時候的我不知道什麼是生離死別，我不知道為什麼那天媽媽要那麼緊張的跑
到外婆房間，不知道為什麼不用再去外婆家了，也不知道為什麼大家都在哭，
更不知道為什麼要說火來了外婆快跑，沒有人告訴我到底發生了什麼事。到了
上小學我才知道死亡的意義，才知道我跟外婆永遠見不到面了，知道這件事後
我哭了好久，好多個晚上都在哭，我真的很想外婆，也很後悔自己沒有在告別
式上跟外婆好好的道別，當時在告別式上我只是聽著大人的指示一起低頭，完
全不知道該做什麼，也就什麼都沒說，到現在已經十幾年過去了，外婆一次都
沒有來我的夢裡找我，希望外婆是在另一邊過的好好的才沒有空來找我，還是
外婆在氣我最後沒跟她說話呢，希望不會是後者，要是有機會的話我很想好好
跟外婆道別，好好跟外婆說我愛她，也想跟外婆道歉我以前的不懂事，要是時
光能倒退，我ㄧ定會好好把握跟外婆相處的所有時間。
照片：AI生成
由於家中沒有我和外婆的合照，因此在chatgpt輸入指令生成ㄧ張外婆最後陪我
的畫面。